East or West?... Tea or Coffee?

What is YOUR preference?
I'm not talking about food, I'm talking about your choice in partners/spouses/significant others etc. And WHY?

Are you an Asian who prefers their partners to be Western? (Yeah YOU asian girls!)

Are you an Asian who prefers their partners to be Asian? (Or within the same Asian ethnicity- eg. Japanese, Chinese, Filipino etc.?)

Are you of western (English, Australian, French, American etc.) background- and you love having Asian partners?

Are you only inclined to date within your own Western/Asian nationality?

Kim Kardashian is known as a girl who loves black men- Or does she take her pick from the hoardes of black men who love her (and her ass-ets)?

Are we all allowed to have our preferences, without being sneered at?
OR are these preferences none-of-your-fucking-business-thank-you-very-much.

The "Sepet" question: Malay x Chinese pairings. Do they work?

PREFACE: I doubt anyone reads this blog anymore- but if you live in KL, and you're in your 30's, you'll sort of know who's who here. You might even know me.



In this post, I want to explore relationships between Chinese and Malays within the framework of a love affair. the late great director Yasmin Ahmad started this dialogue with her movie Sepet. (Malay word "Sepet" means slit {eyes}, a reference to the appearance of Chinese eyes.) The Yasmin Ahmad was malay and had a chinese husband. Permutations of the same theme appear in all her movies. We all know that she is Orked in her movies. And the Chinese guy in all her movies is the Chinese Malaysian man who is Yasmin Ahmad's life partner, her husband. 

And yes, there are lots of malay-chinese couples that I know of in Malaysia:

So it DOES work, right?



In the past, I've been in a real relationship with 2 malay guys, both from what you'd call the "Malay Elite" but I didn't end up marrying any of them. 

IN the early 90's- my high school boyfriend, J was one of the sons of a malay CEO (now retired) of a prominent BUMI Malaysian company that was right in Mahathir's palm. (One of Mahathir's pet project companies which promoted the name of Malaysia.) We both lived in Bukit Damansara, we went to (CBN and VI) He was Malay and a muslim. He and his family are highly educated and wealthy- they're all product of JPA and Petronas scholarships and his sisters are now prominent Doctors (head of a department in a major KL hospital), Lawyers and his brother is a CFO of one of the biggest developers in Malaysia.

Yes, these are real people and they're a product of the NEP: UMNO princes and princesses.

My parents are liberal Chinese Malaysians (a bit of "dan lain-lain" or "others" in there, as is common in the state where my hometown is). BUT J's family saw me as Chinese, simple as that- black or white. His mother wore a "tudung" (hijab) and so did one of his sisters. But they welcomed me in their family anyway (because I tried very hard to be what I thought they were). In contrast, I saw my parents being extremely unfriendly to J just because he was Malay.

I went on holidays in the US and UK with his parents, his siblings and their partners. This was always a big "rombongan" (Malay for large group)  just like a tour group. And although they were very wealthy, they always stayed in service apartments (because we were a big group) instead of big hotels like Ritz Carlton or Langham. And they always travelled with their own Brahim's curry sachets so they could cook their own meals in the apartments, as halal food wasn't always easy to come by. And there would be a "gotong-royong" (Malay for "community helping each other out") atmosphere amongst the women in the kitchen during meal prep. They always rented a few cars and travelled in a group. This is what Malay families do on holidays, I learned. 

Sometimes I'd hear them mention a remark about being Chinese. I wasn't his Mum's favourite, but his Dad ("Tan Sri" was his title bestowed by the King of Malaysia) was just lovely. We played cards or monopoly at family time and he always ribbed me about having "Ong" (luck in Malaysian hokkien dialect). I'm not very chinese but I just took it all in stride because that's their way of reaching out to me. It was well-meant. My relationship with J lasted through our high school and early years in university- J in the US and I in Australia. Eventually we fizzled, long distance got the better of us despite unlimited travel expenses and phone bill budgets. Puan Sri (Malay title bestowed by the Malaysian King) and I shared a teary good-bye, haha... if I did end up marrying him, she would make the best MIL.



Then, in my mid 20's after a disastrous year or so with a cheating expat, I had several flings with older men when I was in my 20's while on an angry rampage to get even. (that was juvenile, I know that now).
The men I chose were either Malays or Chinese Malaysians, always older than me (from 7 years older to 20 years older), all seriously successful and some were good looking and some were just cute.
One of them was a divorced chinese Malaysian lawyer with his own law firm. He had 3 Great Danes that were his pride and joy. He was in his 40's but was really fit- loves all outdoor/adventure/extreme sports.
One of them was a malay (he was married! Then divorced! Now remarried!) director in a well known architecture firm. He loves his sports cars and Italian suits. He was in great shape because he visited the gym often enough. In his 40's back then, he treated me like his little girl. (eeek)
One of them was a divorced chinese Malaysian, was Head of Futures in a bank during the Asian Financial Crisis (he was very down on his luck). He is intelligent and extremely funny. He was not gorgeous but looked like what an average looking guy in his 20's would look like. He introduced me to his friends, who were CEOs and GMs. We are still friends today. He's Head of something else now in a Securities firm and married to a girl in her 20's!

THEN, there was H, whom I wish I didn't meet during this time in my life. I really liked him- he was the type of man you'd want to marry and have children with. H was 30, came from a good malay family. His father was high up in the civil service. His mother is from of one of the malay royal families. His siblings are all successful professionals- back then, he was a young architect in a prominent architectural firm who was put in charge of a major building in the heart of KL (now built, it's part of the skyline). He's a 6 footer, nicely built, wears architect glasses, Ralph Lauren polo shirts, Gucci moccasins (you know, what Royalty wear!).... . He was the serious type, always into his work. H was soft spoken and gentlemanly, always patient with crazy 23-year old me.



We were dating on-and-off but, like a child, I tested his boundaries constantly. (making him take me to his rather religious parents' home, calling his colleagues using his phone, making him meet my friends- among them was another guy I mentioned above. I know. Sick juvenile stuff.)

He put up with all that until it all ended between us.


I wanted him to be the man for me from the very beginning when we started sleeping together. I manipulated him, trying to get what I wanted from him- a commitment, a deep love, a proper relationship. He put up with it because he wanted to just wanted to continue the er, current arrangement.

And it ended simply because I realized we were never going to be what I wanted us to be. I pushed him to admit that we were never going to be married and have kids together. I guess the aggressive behaviour didn't help either.

He just didn't see past the *ahem* with me.

I kept asking myself WHY afterwards: I had the big Cindy Crawford hair, the hot body, pan-asian face. I was 23 and looked great. I was someone that a guy like him would WANT! (Royals always marry the halfies, right?) BUT I wasn't the kind of person he'd WANT TO MARRY.



So, thanks to Google, I see that H married someone who's malay.
How much of his reluctance to be with me was because I was half chinese?

15 years later, Malaysian Chinese and Malays are more polarized than ever. My interpretation of Yasmin Ahmad's message is that we need to have LOVE to overcome those barriers.

Tom Ford

Tom Ford is born with the maximum amount of design talent in a beautiful package.
His most memorable collection, to many was A/W Gucci 96:



I was obsessed with my long velvet jacket with wide lapels in the 90's. Dark maroon. I think I took a photo of myself for a blog post in that jacket last year. Yes, I'm still wearing it. I still have big hair. I love heels to death.

I am still faithful to the Tom Ford silhouette today, despite the assault of skinny jeans, harem pants, ballet flats and baggy tops. I'd have to be dead before I wear harem pants.

Women in the 90's were arguably split in two fashion camps:

Glamourpuss Gucci girls. Powerful girls and androgynous boys.

Arty farty Prada girls. Androgynous girls AND boys.

Tom Ford heavily objectifies women. But in this world, let's be honest- women WANT to be objectified.













In his campaigns: Images that make women and men BUY his products, into his philosophy, into his image of us. In his world, women are beautiful, luxe sexual objets d'art. And we BUY into it, big time.

He has been with his partner, Richard Buckley (former editor of Vogue Hommes) for 23 years.

Question: How does he see the men he designs for?

He designs for men only these days..... and recently showed his first line of womenswear since his Gucci days in a secret show for womenswear.

http://www.tomford.com

Asian Fetish/ Asiaphilia/ Yellow Fever

Asian Fetish is a U.S. slang term which usually refers to an interest, attraction or preference for people, culture, or things of Asian origin by those of non-Asian descent. (Source: Wikipedia) The term Asiaphile and yellow fever is also used in the same context. According to slangsite.com, Yellow Fever is: "A term used by Asian women to describe European or other Western men who exclusively pursue Asian women. Frequently used as a warning to other Asian women. Example: I don't think he cares about you personally at all; it's just a case of yellow-fever."

Read an Asian American woman's view on Yellow Fever: Vicky Chang's article about Yellow Fever aka Asiaphilia in The Orange County Weekly.- An Asian woman's view on being an exotic object in western men's eyes.
Seems to be a popularly referenced article regarding Yellow Fever lately.
Read "Mr. Asiaphile"'s web page for his view on why white men "prefer to date Asian women" (his words)


In South East Asia, shall we say in Singapore thereabouts, we know a lot about girls who exclusively date white men as Sarong Party Girls. BUT we'll save that for another post.


And in Asia as well, there are many names for western male expats who stay on forever. Especially those who have married Asian women and think they've become Asian too.

Why do I mention this? Well, I have a dear old friend from my primary school days in Malaysia. She isn't from a rich family and she isn't highly educated- left school after form 5 and did a diploma in a local Malaysian college. I've always liked her though- she's honest and has a good heart. She has had her ups and downs in relationships, none of them worked out. She married an Australian expat (who runs a sports business) in Malaysia 5 years ago and had 2 kids with him in the same time frame. She is now an expat tai-tai who stays at home with a maid that does everything.

They came to Australia via Air Asia recently, with their Indonesian nanny in tow, so I met him for the first time. And my impression of him? He tried way too hard (bragged about dealing with this Tunku and that Tengku) and talked way too much. He tried to speak to my husband and I in a very exaggerated Malaysian slang (I think he used more "aiyo", "lah"s, "ar" and "kan?" than I ever would in a lifetime).
To my old friend who has never been overseas before, she thinks her man is wonderful because he accepts her culture so readily.
To me, I think it's a bit of an insult if a white man thinks he has to speak in pidgin English to carry on a conversation with me.

My friend is an attractive woman, despite her insecurities about her future, financial stability and her family. Her husband is a short, overweight and very loud. He has been in Malaysia for 10 years trying to make a go of his sports business. They live in a rented terrace house in a non-expat part of town. His friends are either locals or other expats in Malaysia who have married local women.

I feel disgusted after meeting him. (like I needed to shower) I feel sorry for her and her kids.
Am I a fussy bitch?

Addendum 1 (added 15/06/2010)

Definition of a "Rice Chaser": "Strictly speaking, a person who seeks romantic relations with Asians. Commonly speaking, a short or scrawny white male lacking self esteem and/or assertiveness who seeks power in interpersonal relationships by dating Asian females whom he perceives to be submissive and obedient. Also, a white male with a prurient but inaccurate fascination with what he perceives as exotic." (Source: urbandictionary.com)

Men to marry vs. Men to have sex with (Part 1)

Man to marry: Actor Simon Baker from TV's "The Mentalist" and "The Guardian".... bankable husband and father material.


- Australian actor based in the US, down to earth and low-key father of 3, married to the same woman forever.
- Rugged bloke- doesn't take himself too seriously and does not buy any of that hollywood crap.
- Looks like a REAL man, not a pretty boy. Looks like he belongs in a Ralph Lauren ad.

Man to have sex with: Actor Jude Law. Strictly NOT marriage material. Great for an affair, though.

- Not a great track record, really. Cheated on his then-wife Sadie Frost, then cheated on then-girlfriend Sienna Miller with his (3 kids!) children's nanny and now fathering a child with a woman he's not in a relationship with. A bit of a cad.
- Beautiful and artistic- yep, the kind of guy who takes his art seriously and all that.
- Look at how intense and smouldering he looks. He looks like he's be right at home in a D&G ad.

And there we have it- two very similar men, very different er, functions.
Which man would you choose?
Can you suggest another pair of MTM vs MTF?

Marriage. Some advice from an old lady (not me).

Facebook-induced syndrome.

There should be a name given to all these new social situations that we're put in just because we have Facebook now. A sign of the postmodern world we live in, eh?
Ghosts of the past come out to haunt us. And every one of us has a past we'd rather forget.

Curiousity got the better of me tonight when the wanker-banker husband is working late and I'm working on a few bits and bobs (I've mentioned a start-up on my Twitter, but will blog about it when things become more concrete).

I was the one who went around the internet to dig up what I now realize I wish I didn't know.
Out of a smug feeling, I wanted to feel that I was better off than him, seeing as I have all that I have in my life now. I wanted to find out that he was still unhappily single, old, fat, ugly, poor or better yet, dead. But he looks happy. He's looks like he's got all that he never had when he was a workaholic who spent too much time living it up in Bangsar.

It is now in this moment of weakness that I'll say it's lonely behind this facade.

My life. My choices. Deal with it.

Interpret my dream? Please?

Hello. Its been a while since an angsty post.

I woke up this morning from a disturbing ex-boyfriend dream thanks to Facebook.
Facebook is a funny little old social networking phenomenon that we could do without. But we won't for some deep, dark, ugly reason. (Not something I find as practical as Twitter.)

The facebook facts: I know that this ex, a baby faced older man (no, not the divorced one) is now quite a success. His businesses are now set up in a few countries- two in Southeast Asia and one here in Australia. Thanks to curiousity and the internet, I read a few articles written about him. Looks like he moved here in the last few years and set up an office here and has a good project pipeline.

Why does he have to come here? AND WHY did I have to dream that I met up with him again? And where was my husband and baby in that dream?

Elizabeth Wong.

Elizabeth Wong, the state assemblywoman for Bukit Lanjan, is a brilliant ray of sunshine in Malaysian politics. You'd be hard-pressed to find a better example of public service in a politician than this woman.

She is also a woman brought down by Malaysian politics.
Semi-nude photos of her sleeping on her sofa at home and at an angle showing her er, privates, all taken without her knowledge, have been leaked and circulated on the internet by an unknown person.

The alleged person is thought to be her ex- boyfriend Hilmi Malek. The photos wouldn't bat an eyelid in any western country- but this is Malaysia, a moderate muslim country. The police are after him- he's hiding in Indonesia.

But if you see THIS guy, feel free to knee him in the nuts.




She is only human. A woman just like me and you. A saint compared to many of the UMNO powers that be. I hope women in Malaysia mark this episode down in their memories. Remember this next time you enter a ballot booth and cast your vote.

I ask you Malaysians, how can you continue to have hope that things will change without a revolution? How can you not submit your application to migrate to Australia/ New Zealand/ Singapore/ U.K./ U.S.?

Facebook's "25 things about me" Meme

I've been inspired by the utterly amazing GirlJapan to do a raw, cathartic meme based on Facebook's 25 random things. I've already done this meme on facebook under my REAL name, and I only gave answers that were expected of me. (the facade that I hide behind.)

So here's my REAL meme- in all its gut wrenching honesty. (Er, some have already been covered by past posts in this blog)

1. My husband has no idea that I have a blog. Nobody in my life knows.
   
2. I honestly believe that I've engineered every aspect of my life so far. I don't know what I would do if one day, something went wrong, as things do in life....I'd probably fall apart. Run away.
3. I would have a pretty perfect life if I had chosen to live in Malaysia, I'd be able to rely on family connections (family's NGO) and government contracts and get rich double quick. BUT we prefer to live in a country where we are all, by law, equal. We chose to make our own careers here in Australia and we have done pretty well, too. BUT we also have money from our families in Malaysia, so we're able to afford nice cars and homes in Sydney. Oh the hypocrisy.....
4. I chose to live in Australia sometime when I was doing my university degree here. because I didn't want to live in a country (Malaysia) that was falling apart.
5. I moved away for two years to pursue my MBA when I had to face that my marriage was in trouble.
6. I had no life and studied furiously for 2 years in Singapore and Fontainebleau. They say an MBA is life-changing and it is. I hardly called my husband, family or friends while I was away. I kept up a facade for him when he visited. He threw himself into his work and I, my studies- I just did not want to be married at that time. Implicitly, between us, I've never mentioned the question of cheating and neither has he. I wonder why we don't talk about it.
7. After my MBA, I had to come back and face that I had all but abandoned. I had a baby to save my marriage and put off the fact that I had to decide where to go in my career. I know this is so wrong, but when I see my baby daughter's smile, I'm happy I did it. Do mistakes turn out this well? Ever?
8. In my 20's, in Malaysia, I had relationships with married men whom I met when I was doing an internship as a junior architect and through friends of friends. All of them were powerful, attractive older men. Three in total. I had those relationships because I was hell bent on getting revenge on all cheating men because I was angry that I was cheated on. And guess how I ended two of those relationships? I made sure their wives found out about us. I didn't want them, I just wanted them to suffer because they cheated. That's pretty twisted, huh? I WAS pretty twisted.
9. I have recently taken to hiding my husband's Blackberry. He sleeps with it under his pillow most nights. That thing bugs me for reasons I cannot fathom. When he's in la-la land, I bring it outside and put it in a drawer or in a toilet or kitchen. Shhh.
10. I am staying home to raise my daughter indefinitely- I may return to work when she's old enough to go to school. To me, it's an education in itself. I'm learning so many things- learning to let go of my need to control everything. She's changing me.
11. I really have no idea how to be a mother. I was raised by nannies who were supervised by my mother. I had no idea what real hands-on mothers do. I didn't know how to breastfeed because my mother did not breastfeed me. Nobody taught me these things and I never experienced any of it.
12. Doing this meme has taken a lot out of me. It IS gut wrenching. I feel exhausted and need to sleep.
13. I have no male friends who aren't gay or in the closet. I don't know why. My best friend found his soul mate and lately I only see him (together with his boyfriend) once in a few months. I'll blog about his "wedding" (commitment ceremony is what it was) soon.
    
14. I had lots of female friends many of whom I lost when I cut off contact with friends during the 2 years I was away on MBA hiatus (or my holiday away from my own life). I'm reconnecting with a few of them. I miss them so much, I know it was my fault.
15. I do an insane amount of pilates and yoga. Anywhere, anytime I can fit it in. In fact, I'm doing them now while I type on my laptop. Sometimes I think that it's normal. Sometimes I think it's not.
    
16. I'm fearful of the world that my daughter will grow up in. Being a woman hasn't been the easiest thing on the face of the earth. My heart aches when I think about all she has to face. I hope to raise her to be a person who is well-equipped to face those obstacles. The most important thing you'll need in life as a woman, in my opinion, is to know who you are and to love yourself.
    
17. I've been doing my research about food and trying to practice what I've learned. I've found that I have a bias towards Japanese home cooking. Not the haute cuisine you get from places like Tetsuya's, but more like what a Japanese family will eat everyday at home. Everything is so precise and calculated. I love that!
18. I don't like designer bags at all, but I love designer shoes/boots/sandals/heels.
19. My IQ is 135. Fat lot of good it did me when I was doing my bachelors degree in architecture. Never stopped me from failing a subject or two. ;) Never stopped me from getting involved with the wrong guy. Never helped me work in a team. Whatever.
    
20. I really enjoy reading anything by a good writer.
21. When we were on the JR Yamanote line at around 5pm from Marunouchi station, my husband's ass was groped somewhere around Shibuya station. Pervs left the okaasan (me) who was holding her baby alone. Was there some mistake? I'm secretly jealous of my husband... XD
23. I cry so easily now that I've become a mother. And it's OK to cry, too- it's an emotion, not a sign of weakness. I KNOW that and I'm OK with that, but I don't live in a bubble- there are people around me.
    
24. Sometimes I avoid reading Malaysian news. Why? It's frustrating. Nothing changes. Bloggers (including me) will blog it to death, and life goes on. So what?
    
25. Having an evening walk around the neighbourhood on a quiet weekday is something I love to do. I'll be sad to leave this place by the water.
    

Japan's hosts

Take a look at a real host club's website and tell me: which one of these guys float your boat? Why are they all femme men with a few tops thrown in? What does that say about what we women secretly want in a man?

I saw a great documentary called The Great Happiness Space: Tale of an Osaka Love Thief. Preview below.

Watch The Great Happiness Space in Webisodes | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

It is exactly as the title suggests: these are men who make a business out of making women love them and prolonging the illusion of love. These host clubs serve thousands of women each day who spend anywhere from US$300-5000 each visit. It's these sad and empty dreams that this business is built on. Cross over the bridge in Osaka to the Minami district and you will see that this is serious $$$$, baby.















Anyway- what's wrong with real men?
PLENTY of real men in Japan with shoulders that you could build a house on, you know what I mean?
















From left to right: Matsuoka Masahiro and Nagase Tomoya.

More eye candy? Why not?














I am married to an Alpha-male type but more often than not, I choose to be in the company of my fag(s). Maybe it's because straight men just love to keep on affirming their superiority to women. Especially insecure men who aren't really Alpha-males, but like, rilly, rilly-wanna-be?

It's something to write home about if you've made it in this world (yes, this world is all about the dreaded evil $$$) and yet don't feel the need to actually write home about it.

We were a young married couple the last time we walked hand in hand through Kabuki-cho in Shinjuku. We thought that these male host clubs catered to men only, being just adjacent to Shinjuku-ni-choume. Yes, I was a fag hag back then in 2003 too.

We've decided to spend our Christmas and New Year holidays in Tokyo and the Kansai area in Japan, the land of the washlet- damn I love bidets.

*There are days I'm glad I had a c-section.*

Gross out time over!












This time, we'll be the young-ish couple in their 30's pushing a rather cool akai bara bugaboo stroller- See you there! Happy Holidays sans nanny? *shudder* We'll see!

Androgyny

Just what is it that makes a person beautiful?

Is it an amazing fashion sense? Like Sarah Jessica Parker? A small woman with a somewhat equine face but really cute body, made famous by the clothes she wears?
Is it a perfect body but forgettable face vis a vis Gisele Bundchen?
Is it a symmetrical face? Think Alicia Keys?

What are the terms and conditions that make up beauty?

"Everyone is born with a pre-programmed understanding of what makes a person attractive.", Study from the University of Exeter.







A German study has shown that beauty is created by "averaging" the faces of a spectrum of people. The end product is a face that has wide appeal. This is purportedly the science behind the modelling industry. Each region or nation will have a type of face that appeals to them.

Beauty breaks down all ethnic barriers. Australia's ideal beauty would probably be a dark haired eurasian. BUT the advertising/modelling industry's idea of beauty that sells is: blonde, tanned aussie beach beauty- think Elle MacPherson. Think Sarah O'Hare.

Does beauty then also break down gender barriers? Look at Agyness Deyn, the current face of Dior Homme. Does the marketing work here? "If only she was my man, I'd steal her cologne." Why not? *cough* If only I was Lindsay Lohan. *cough*


Katya Shun is an up and coming androgynous supermodel. Double the appeal- cos she's also Eurasian. Woot! Represent!

What is amazing about these women is that they can look just as gorgeous as women as they can as men. Now, is there a male equivalent to what I'm talking about? Of course there is, but straight men are more anal about what makes another man beautiful, so I'd probably expect less anecdotal evidence.








Men. Beautiful androgynous men were ubiquitous in the 80's. Ahhhh. My favourite era.
The most beautiful of them all at that time? John Taylor of Duran Duran of course. OMFG, is there even a question? He no longer has the androgynous look these days, maybe because he has abandoned the eyeliner...... but he's aged well, like a fabulous Pinot (Noir because it's the best Pinot). Exquisite.



OK OK I know this was in the 90's, but remember the lead singer for Suede? Brett Anderson?
The embodiment of VainGloriousGlam?
So beautiful.
He was in Suede together with his girlfriend, Justine Frischmann (of Elastica- pic below) who is another androgynous beauty. (Brett is by far more beautiful than Justine.)




















Today's emo and scene boys know it's all been done before and they're not breaking the mold.
That's the predicatment we face in our post-modern times isn't it? The word Neo- is a prefix for every art, fashion, architecture, design movement.

Art has been everywhere; now it has no where else to go.