Thursday, October 07, 2004

Indulge me for a while

Why not? This whole blog is about self indulgence anyway.

I went through a time in my life which I liken to groping around in the dark for the light switch and never finding it- this coincided with the grunge movement in the early to mid 90's. I liken phases in my life to music I listened to at the time, the clothes I wore..... Instant trigger that brings back memories. Kate Moss the waif was the woman of the moment.

I look back on those years fondly. It seems like another life.

My boyfriend at the time, J, whom I had been with since my days in a girls school in the middle of KL and part of my high school and university days in Australia, was sent to an American university in a small mid west college town near Detroit, Michigan. I used to make two trips a year to the USA. Sydney-Narita, Tokyo-LAX, LA-O'Hare,Chicago. If I took Northwestern, I'd fly straight into Detroit.

I especially loved our road trips:
We took I-75 from Detroit right down to the tip of Florida, at Key West where route-1 stops.
And we took I-80 from Chicago to San Francisco, then we drove along the coast down to LA. It was breathtaking.

I made friends over there in his circle of friends who were Malaysian students. I loved eating with him at Denny's. I got used to grocery shopping at Kroger and buying ranch flavoured chips...... the mid west felt so down home, so comfortable.
This doesn't sound dark to you? Wait, I'm getting to it in a minute!

We split up amicably after 4 years in different continents.

So, where did I choose to spend my holidays after that?
Kuala Lumpur and a shopping trip or two with mum and dad to Europe. Back on the social circuit, girl!

A snapshot of the times:
There was a restaraunt nearby Hard Rock Cafe that I really I loved called Moomba.
I er, had a father figure fixation, and dated men who were much older than me. I liked being their trophy girlfriend. I loved being at the right parties, being seen and at the same time, I loved partying all night and felt like I was born to dance.
Iguana at Bangsar Shopping Complex had just opened.

I was trying to find me, find out who I am, what I am.
I had an on-off relationship with a divorced man A, who is a known businessman and personality in KL.
He gave me every material thing that my father could give me.... but he cheated.
The end was painful, angry, unsettling.... the kind of break up that makes you want to leave town for a good couple of years.
During those off times in the 2 years we were together, I dated other single older men because they were wiser but found them bitter and jaded instead.
"There must be some reason why they're still single..." said my mum and confidante.

I think somewhere along the way, I began hating men. I think I still do.
Men are all the same was written all over me.

"Oh make me over
I'm all I wanna be
A walking study
In Demonology

Hey, so glad you could make it
Yeah, now you've really made it
Hey, there's only us who made it now

Oh look at my face
My name is might have been
My name is never was
My name's forgotten

Hey, so glad you could make it
Yeah, now you've really made it
Hey, there's only us here now

When I wake up in my makeup
It's too early for that dress
Wilted and faded somewhere in Hollywood
I'm glad I came here with your pound of flesh

No second billing cause you're a star now
Oh Cinderella, they aren't sluts like you
Beautiful garbage beautiful dresses
Can you stand up or will you just fall down

You better watch out
Oh what you wish for
It better to be worth it
So much to die for

Hey, so glad you could make it
Yeah, now you've really made it
Hey, there's only us here now

When I wake up in my makeup
Have you ever felt so used up as this
It's all so sugarless
Model/actress, hooker/waitress
who'll just go nameless

She's full of poison
She obliterated everything she kissed
Now she's fading somewhere in Hollywood
I'm glad I came here with your pound of flesh

You want a part of me
Well I won't sell it cheap
No, I won't sell it cheap"

Celebrity Skin by Hole.
Lyrics by Courtney Love

I had the luxury of escaping to Sydney when holidays were over- back to being single and dating again.
Dated some white guys (not my cup of tea) and even some younger guys (fully recommend this, ladies- their idealism heals your heart).
Then I found my husband.

Did I/ do I feel the same way as this woman Courtney Love writes about in the song above?
Definitely not.

But I do think it's poetic.
There's something incredibly redeeming about hitting the bottom and coming back up.
Going through pain cleanses you, puts you in touch with your self.
I know myself pretty well now, but I'll constantly learn something new and grow in so many ways.

Here's my Oprah moment: I'M STILL THANKFUL FOR MY LIFE SO FAR.


Chris said...

I think there is every different angle of the men issues. Not all men are pigs, it just takes some time to find the right guy and find out the special aspect of the person. Being a gay man myself i see it from all angles. :)


implosion said...

Chris, you're right. Sometimes I think my gay couple friends were made for each other. Fidelity isn't as important to them as the bigger picture.

You're a gay man with words of wisdom.
Isn't that a coincidence? )