I'm about to become a mother again for the 2nd time.
After having a child some years ago without any particular trouble, I struggled with miscarriages trying to conceive a 2nd. Then came the IVF. Then came the BFN's* and Chemical Pregnancies*. Nothing doing.
This has literally just dropped into my lap and I'm so grateful.
I've refused to believe it was happening but as Christmas approaches, I may allow my cynical heart, hardened by much heartbreak to believe in a miracle.
Have you ever searched for a long lost friend on Facebook? On Google? A friend who may have been an important part of your life during a phase?
I have. I last spoke to him in 2004(?) he had just changed companies, and was very happy in his new position. I looked for him on Facebook for the past few years and couldn't find him. I called his former office when I was in KL last, I heard he had left the company.
More Google searches later, I find out that he died in an automobile accident in 2006. I find a few memorials posted by people who knew him. I zoom into the photos: yep, that's him. He is smiling and surrounded by friends, exuberant and smiling, like my memory of him.
Did I know him well? Yes, I'd say I did. I've known him since I was a student intern. For 2 years, he would have been one of a handful of people who knew me best. He was a colleague and friend of the older man I used to date when I was in my 20's. I used to make teary late night phone calls to him (that would last for hours) whenever the older man and I broke up. And he would cheer me up and tell me off. I took it for granted and never told him how grateful I was for his advice and his humour.
I am in some shock. Taken from us too soon, I pray he did not suffer too much. You touched many people's lives while you were still alive. I hope it's still not too late to thank you. Best wishes to you on the other side from an old friend.
The Genesis- You develop your raison d'etre for blogging.
A time of discovery, mostly introspective.
GROWTH:
Building momentum- Fueled by your convictions, you blog straight from your heart.
The blog begins to creep into your life.
You start to make connections and form a network.
MATURITY:
Climaxing & Crescendo- At the height of your popularity, you gain a following. You have a community.
Your life becomes one with the life you live online. Reality and blogosphere is blurred.
It's quite a ride. (Vive la roi etc etc ad nauseum)
You might even make a small living out of it.
Eventually, your blog takes over. It becomes the driver for how you live your life.
DECLINE:
Ennui- Disillusionment will set in.
You whore yourself and become yet another ubiquitous celeb blogger.
You blog for the audience, for the $$$ and no longer for yourself. Tsk bloody tsk.
If you've got more going for you in your real life, you might take a "hiatus" from your blog.
The second coming- You pick up your blog again or a different incarnation of your blog for new reasons. The cycle starts all over again.
Is there a limit on how many times you reinvent yourself? Like Apple inc., you CAN learn from each product life cycle (think early Macs in the 90's) AND use it to grow stronger in your next (think Macbooks, iPod, iPhone). OR, like Madonna, each subsequent reincarnation is never as strong as its predecessor.
This is the easy part: the formula of success. The tricky part of course is realizing and recognizing where you are on this curve.
Australians tend to think Malaysians are all Malays. Even Chinese Malaysians and Indian Malaysians are Malays. And all those "other" races are also Malays. It's naive but it's a nice notion... Girls from Tourism Ads wearing costumes of the main races in Malaysia: The girl in the middle is Malay, she is flanked on either side by an Indian and Chinese girl. While the two girls on the far left and right are from indigenous tribes (Iban and Kadazan). The Malay girl is symbolically always in the middle. Always. And the Iban and Kadazans are sometimes left out, too.
I've always struggled to explain who the real Malays are to my Australian friends. Malays in Malaysia are called "bumiputera"- Literal translation: "bumi" = soil, earth; "putera"= prince. But are they indigenous? Not really. As our Malaysian history books (Sejarah Malaysia) tell us, the Malay race is descended from the Javanese Hindu Prince Parameswara from Temasek (modern day Singapore). He founded the spice trading port of Malacca in 1402. It is sometime during his reign that he converted to Islam, so all his subjects followed suit, so Malays in Malaysia today practice Islam. Do ALL Malays practice Islam today? YES. This is protected by law. "Marriage between Muslims and non-Muslims is forbidden under Malaysian law. Under the Shariah/Islamic Jurisprudence; the non-Muslim is required to convert to Islam under Malaysian law."- Wikipedia. No Malay is allowed to embrace another religion unless the courts grant them permission.
"Bumiputera" status entitles Malays to have access to government contracts, company and land ownership, scholarships, loans... etc. entitlement to nearly everything under the sun in Malaysia. This affirmative action written into the constitution nearly 40 years ago to help Malay race economically. Until about 15 years ago, indigenous tribes of Malaysia (Sabah and Sarawak) who mostly practiced Christianity were NOT entitled to the same"bumiputera" status of Malays.
Go figure. Why indeed? It is these same indigenous people in Sarawak who are protesting against their homes and land being torn down in the name of building progress. And NOT real progress either: it's the building of a huge dam (the Bakun Dam) that will ultimately benefit Malay politicians and their Chinese businessman cronies. If there is any trickle-down benefit to the people, it will be the people living in already developed urban locations around Kuala Lumpur. The indigeous tribes will not see an iota of return in exchange for their homes and land being destroyed. Read more about it here and here.
A documentary about the Bakun Dam (in Malay) that was aired on Malaysian TV. Watch it here.
The Malaysian government forced its TV network to get this documentary off the air in April 2010. Write to Amnesty International. The situation in Malaysia is not all about tall glossy skyscrapers, land of smiles and multiculturalism. It is NOT "truly Asia". I have mixed feelings. The result of mixed blood. Hahahaha...
Will debunk the myth of "TRUE MALAY" in a future blog post. Preview: "Malays don't eat pork, right? WRONG!!!!"
So it's all ended again. In a 3D ultrasound, about 1.5 weeks ago, I saw my surviving twin 7 week 2 day baby. Without a heartbeat.
I had no bleeding or cramps after. I did have a few great big crying sessions.
And after the D&C, I jumped on a plane with my daughter and took off to Malaysia. I am resting away in my grandma's house. My mother has joined me here too.
Good bye, swank hospital.
I have my beautiful daughter around me and she reminds me that there is hope. I've been hugging her so often in the last few days that she's getting irritated with me!
I went through one miscarriage earlier this year, just after New Year.
I was about 7 weeks along. I thought I would have a breezy pregnancy just like the one I had with my daughter 2 years ago. I took it all for granted. I thought nothing of the brownish blobs that showed up on my underwear along with mucus. I thought it was "old blood". Too much information? Tough luck. This is the part about pregnancy that they don't put in Johnsons & Johnsons ads.
I found out on Boxing Day, and as my Obstetrician was away, I went to my 1st ultrasound at 6 weeks plus and saw a single fetus with a heartbeat. When my obstetrician came back, I was already around 8 weeks. In his office, we did an ultrasound and saw a dead fetus measuring at about 7 weeks. My heart raced- I was alone. My husband was busy at work. I think I tuned out the world. I left an angry message for my husband, who rushed home, but it was all too late. My D & C was scheduled 1 week later. I carried my long gone baby with me for another week. I felt empty and I cried buckets- None of which I could bring myself to do in front of anyone. This was a baby I really wanted with all my soul.
I was angry at everyone. I blamed. I lashed out. And........ I recovered.
Now, I am at that point again- about 6 weeks along. Much bleeding and cramps pretty much everyday in the last 2 weeks one occasion in the emergency room, too. I've had 3 ultrasound scans now- the first 2 very pessimistic about the one sac with no fetus. my obstetrician told me a week ago that I would eventually lose it because it looked abnormal. I was required to do blood tests every 2 days- showed normal hormone levels.
I braced myself for a blighted ovum at my 3rd ultrasound. For another disappointment. It showed 2 sacs. TWINS. One was a blighted ovum, and the other had a 6wk fetus with a heartbeat.
I am now on bedrest and the bleeding has stopped. It is now light brown spotting. The cramps are still here and I am still told to be cautious, to prepare for "eventualities".
There is no word in english that is the equivalent of the arabic "Alhamdulillah". But the meaning is : "God is truly great- look at what he is able to create." And I am in God's amazing hands. That sums up my feelings at this very moment. For the 1st time in my life.
Je ne veux pas oublier comment parler français, alors je vous écris ce message blog en français.
L'hiver est le moment le plus terrible de l'année. Être à l'intérieur est une nécessité, je répandrai mon énergie dans la création d'une cuisine. Reconnaissants aux Masterchef!Et ma mère!
Mettra à jour bientôt. Probablement sur Twitter. Toutes mes excuses pour ma grammaire imparfaite.
To every person who has lived through watching someone die slowly before their eyes.
Nobody knows what comes after death. Religions of mankind tell us of paradise, of rebirth, purgatory and of eternal damnation. And perhaps it is the promise of a place.ANY place at all after death- the comfort in knowing that you'll still continue to exist at another level of consciousness. That you are not totally gone.
Different cultures treat death differently. Some funerals in Eastern religions are ceremonious- almost festive, heavily ritualized and symbolic. Some western funerals are subtle, quiet reflections on a life that once was. I've had the opportunity to experience both. Some people say that funerals aren't really for the dead person- they are for the living that were left behind. The deceased do go to the place they were meant to go- on a journey, a life that takes place on the other side. The people who are left behind are the ones who need catharsis, healing and closure.
If psychic mediums are to be believed, a different type of life exists and learning does continue on the other side. Higher learning.
Made beef rib stew in a slow cooker. It was in there for 24 hours. Added Cabernet Sauvignon to it in the last 2 hours- BIG mistake. Epic fail.
Friends stayed on for dinner- This is your usual asian meal with a few shared dishes served with rice. The ingredients were lying around in the fridge and pantry. Clockwise from top left: Wagyu beef teriyaki, stir fried veggies (broccoli, tomatoes & mushroom), salad (pinenuts, cherry tomatoes, spanish onion, avocado and baby cos lettuce), Okonomiyaki (shredded cabbage omelette).
Laksa!!!!!! Last night's dinner, I tried making my own version of a healthy laksa. Used laksa paste for Singaporean curry laksa but tried to recreate east Malaysian style garnishing. I used boiled chicken, calamari rings, bean sprouts, coriander leaves, rice vermicelli, a soft boiled egg and loads of lime.
I live my life in point form. Do you? Doesn't everybody?
Back at work.
BUT this time it's different because I'm no longer working for someone, I'm working for myself. It's not about being better than your competition, it's about fulfilling your own potential. OK ignore this motivational speaker spiel for a minute... suffice to say it's very liberating.
The world isn't always your oyster, so get out there and make your own oyster! An old friend and I got together a few months ago and created our own start-up consulting business. I'm getting my mojo back.
Food.
Like everyone, I've been watching Masterchef. (I'll save those comments for my tweets.) Made Salt and Pepper squid today-
2 large tubes of squid (butterflied and lightly scored on inside) 5 heaped tablespoons of good tempura flour premix 1 teaspoon of five spice 1 chilli (seeds removed and finely chopped) 4 cloves of garlic (finely chopped) Pepper and salt to taste Celery leaves for garnish (optional)
In a bowl, mix tempura flour and five spice together and season with pepper only. Cut squid into 6 x 6cm squares and put them into the bowl and coat well. Set aside. Heat a tablespoon of vegetable oil in wok and fry garlic and chilli until golden brown, adding salt to taste. Set aside. Add enough vegetable oil for deep frying. Dust off excess flour on squid before adding to wok. Fry until golden brown. Add Garlic and chilli salt to fried squid. Garnish with celery leaves.
Don't Ask Don't Tell and Jason Akermanis
Whatever happened to giving everyone a fair go? Whatever happened to that egalitarianism that sums up Australia? Where's that laid-back attitude that we're famous for?
Jason Akermanis you could not sink any lower. Since when has it ever been good for anyone to burden themselves and their loved ones by staying in the closet? His AFL career is ending and it will end on this sour note.
Not everyone has a garage or a garage large enough to accomodate all their cars on my street here in North Shore suburbia. People love to park their cars on the kerb over here- maybe because there isn't enough car theft to deter them from parking on public property......
So that makes life difficult for those of us who park our cars in our garages. It's so hard to negotiate your way around these gas guzzling monster 4WD's (the vehicle of choice in these neck of the woods) on my street. See diagram below for a hypothetical street plan (Not to scale):
People are usually sensible and park their cars to allow for oncoming traffic, but sometimes you get idiots who like to park their horses right in front of their castle (illustrated in red).
To further illustrate the problem, click here for something similar.Except I'm in favour of these people getting fined. This is such a granny rant, I'm almost embarrassed.
Man to marry: Actor Simon Baker from TV's "The Mentalist" and "The Guardian".... bankable husband and father material.
- Australian actor based in the US, down to earth and low-key father of 3, married to the same woman forever. - Rugged bloke- doesn't take himself too seriously and does not buy any of that hollywood crap. - Looks like a REAL man, not a pretty boy. Looks like he belongs in a Ralph Lauren ad.
Going to see the doctor soon. I'm worried about passing this flu onto my baby. She's still so little. Even the nanny looks worried to be in my presence. Worry is the keyword here.
Been too preoccupied to write a blog post of late. The weather has been sunny and crisp lately so I've been out and about quite a lot. Twittered a lot lately, too though.
Lately, blogging isn't what it used to be. I used to spew forth all my guts on each post. Let it all hang out. Fun, actually. That was 5 years ago. I was about to turn 30.
I sensor myself a lot more these days. For example, I don't talk about my husband, my marriage or my baby in any sort of depth anymore. I draw a protective boundary around what I hold dearest. Another reason: I deal with issues that come up very efficiently and "file them away" in my mental compactus even before I write a blog post about it.
I've met some people that I have come to respect as fellow bloggers- some who regularly drop by and leave a note and some never comment on the blog but do it via email. Some emails go regrettably unanswered because I wish to remain anonymous.
I talk in abstract most of the time EXCEPT for when other bloggers and events inspire me. It's sad that blogging (to me, anyway) isn't the creative outlet it used to be.
I think I'm more honest in my Twitter page than I am on the blog because writing a blog post forces you to think about what to write and edit it over and over again. Tweets are just spur-of-the-moment thoughts.
Curiousity got the better of me tonight when the wanker-banker husband is working late and I'm working on a few bits and bobs (I've mentioned a start-up on my Twitter, but will blog about it when things become more concrete).
I was the one who went around the internet to dig up what I now realize I wish I didn't know. Out of a smug feeling, I wanted to feel that I was better off than him, seeing as I have all that I have in my life now. I wanted to find out that he was still unhappily single, old, fat, ugly, poor or better yet, dead. But he looks happy. He's looks like he's got all that he never had when he was a workaholic who spent too much time living it up in Bangsar.
It is now in this moment of weakness that I'll say it's lonely behind this facade. My life. My choices. Deal with it.
We are true blue real estate opportunists. Thanks to the economic downturn, the price of real estate has plummeted somewhat and we're on the hunt for property in Mosman again. Buyers are staying away from the AUD$ 1.5-2 million price range and yes, beautifully designed and renovated water-view bargains are to be found in this area. Check out Mosman's listings on domain.com.au
Cue vintage Duran Duran please. "In touch with the ground, I'm on the hunt, I'm after you Scent and a sound, I'm lost and I'm found And I'm hungry like the wolf"
We won't be able to afford waterfront property where you can park a boat (if we had one, we'd buy a place to park it!) for another 10 years, so we are settling for water views instead. WHY is Mosman our suburb of choice?
View Larger Map W-ELLL.... it's near Balmoral beach, Manly beach, it's near Taronga Zoo, it's leafy and quiet. In the afternoon, we spend some time on Balmoral Beach.
I love cool sand between my toes. I could get used to living here. My little girl loves the beach.
Even later on in the afternoon, we ended up in Haberfield, the Italian suburb that still considers itself authentic, after Leichardt became all commercialised as THE Little Italy of Sydney. We have coffee and sweets at famous Pasticceria Sulfaro on Ramsay Street. It's a family business that has been there for more than 50 years. I'm no foodie like Helen of GrabYourFork, BUT I had to take a picture because I thought the china was so kitsch and the Southern Italian sweets were too pretty for words. The food was heavenly. Our baby was content to sit on my lap gurgling and playing. Yes. Carry a bag full of little toys that keep little people busy.
At the end of the day we did find a few bargains- we registered our interest in those properties, will view them again, get the finances in order etc. Very excited and anxiously keeping tabs on domain.com.au.
I fell in love with my Sass 'n' Bide jeans when I first laid eyes on them at David Jones- I bought two identical ones. BEFORE I HAD MY BABY. Yep. Dumb move, I kept telling myself for the past 5 months. BUT...
I never expected to lose all the weight and then some while breastfeeding a baby for about 5 months. According to the CSIRO, breast feeding demands an extra 3000 kilojoules per day. My baby looks like she's VERY well fed and on the brink of starting on solid foods, too.
So now, I have virtually no arse, stick arms and huge boobs. And the cruel joke is all I can wear are breastfeeding shirts and bras. And my Sass 'n' Bide jeans look like they're gonna fall off because there IS NO ARSE. So there I am in Westfield Bondi Junction, unable to walk because my hands need to be free to push the bugaboo, yet I have to stop every few steps to pull my jeans up.
*Sob* I'm just resigning myself to buying new "temporary jeans" which I will probably hate.
BEFORE & AFTER
Some days ago, at the risk of looking like a typical asian teenage (I wish! Ha!) fashion victim, I decided to go several shades lighter. Maybe I fell asleep while my hair was being done or something. I'm stuck with this for at least a few weeks. Then I can darken it again.
Breastfeeding my child is something that I'm so proud of doing. Read about it here at World Health Organization site. Actress Salma Hayek breastfed a starving African baby boy during a visit in her role as a UN ambassador. The baby's mother's milk had dried up and Salma was weaning her own baby, so she had enough milk left to spare. There were quite a few people out there who found this disgusting, too. People who would rather have the baby boy starve than deal with their own hang-ups/ "delicate sensibilities". At the end of the day, she gave her milk to the baby who needed it most. What a wonderful, selfless act. I would do the same thing.
I'm about to become a mother again for the 2nd time.
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