I'm about to become a mother again for the 2nd time.
After having a child some years ago without any particular trouble, I struggled with miscarriages trying to conceive a 2nd. Then came the IVF. Then came the BFN's* and Chemical Pregnancies*. Nothing doing.
This has literally just dropped into my lap and I'm so grateful.
I've refused to believe it was happening but as Christmas approaches, I may allow my cynical heart, hardened by much heartbreak to believe in a miracle.
Australians tend to think Malaysians are all Malays. Even Chinese Malaysians and Indian Malaysians are Malays. And all those "other" races are also Malays. It's naive but it's a nice notion... Girls from Tourism Ads wearing costumes of the main races in Malaysia: The girl in the middle is Malay, she is flanked on either side by an Indian and Chinese girl. While the two girls on the far left and right are from indigenous tribes (Iban and Kadazan). The Malay girl is symbolically always in the middle. Always. And the Iban and Kadazans are sometimes left out, too.
I've always struggled to explain who the real Malays are to my Australian friends. Malays in Malaysia are called "bumiputera"- Literal translation: "bumi" = soil, earth; "putera"= prince. But are they indigenous? Not really. As our Malaysian history books (Sejarah Malaysia) tell us, the Malay race is descended from the Javanese Hindu Prince Parameswara from Temasek (modern day Singapore). He founded the spice trading port of Malacca in 1402. It is sometime during his reign that he converted to Islam, so all his subjects followed suit, so Malays in Malaysia today practice Islam. Do ALL Malays practice Islam today? YES. This is protected by law. "Marriage between Muslims and non-Muslims is forbidden under Malaysian law. Under the Shariah/Islamic Jurisprudence; the non-Muslim is required to convert to Islam under Malaysian law."- Wikipedia. No Malay is allowed to embrace another religion unless the courts grant them permission.
"Bumiputera" status entitles Malays to have access to government contracts, company and land ownership, scholarships, loans... etc. entitlement to nearly everything under the sun in Malaysia. This affirmative action written into the constitution nearly 40 years ago to help Malay race economically. Until about 15 years ago, indigenous tribes of Malaysia (Sabah and Sarawak) who mostly practiced Christianity were NOT entitled to the same"bumiputera" status of Malays.
Go figure. Why indeed? It is these same indigenous people in Sarawak who are protesting against their homes and land being torn down in the name of building progress. And NOT real progress either: it's the building of a huge dam (the Bakun Dam) that will ultimately benefit Malay politicians and their Chinese businessman cronies. If there is any trickle-down benefit to the people, it will be the people living in already developed urban locations around Kuala Lumpur. The indigeous tribes will not see an iota of return in exchange for their homes and land being destroyed. Read more about it here and here.
A documentary about the Bakun Dam (in Malay) that was aired on Malaysian TV. Watch it here.
The Malaysian government forced its TV network to get this documentary off the air in April 2010. Write to Amnesty International. The situation in Malaysia is not all about tall glossy skyscrapers, land of smiles and multiculturalism. It is NOT "truly Asia". I have mixed feelings. The result of mixed blood. Hahahaha...
Will debunk the myth of "TRUE MALAY" in a future blog post. Preview: "Malays don't eat pork, right? WRONG!!!!"
I went through one miscarriage earlier this year, just after New Year.
I was about 7 weeks along. I thought I would have a breezy pregnancy just like the one I had with my daughter 2 years ago. I took it all for granted. I thought nothing of the brownish blobs that showed up on my underwear along with mucus. I thought it was "old blood". Too much information? Tough luck. This is the part about pregnancy that they don't put in Johnsons & Johnsons ads.
I found out on Boxing Day, and as my Obstetrician was away, I went to my 1st ultrasound at 6 weeks plus and saw a single fetus with a heartbeat. When my obstetrician came back, I was already around 8 weeks. In his office, we did an ultrasound and saw a dead fetus measuring at about 7 weeks. My heart raced- I was alone. My husband was busy at work. I think I tuned out the world. I left an angry message for my husband, who rushed home, but it was all too late. My D & C was scheduled 1 week later. I carried my long gone baby with me for another week. I felt empty and I cried buckets- None of which I could bring myself to do in front of anyone. This was a baby I really wanted with all my soul.
I was angry at everyone. I blamed. I lashed out. And........ I recovered.
Now, I am at that point again- about 6 weeks along. Much bleeding and cramps pretty much everyday in the last 2 weeks one occasion in the emergency room, too. I've had 3 ultrasound scans now- the first 2 very pessimistic about the one sac with no fetus. my obstetrician told me a week ago that I would eventually lose it because it looked abnormal. I was required to do blood tests every 2 days- showed normal hormone levels.
I braced myself for a blighted ovum at my 3rd ultrasound. For another disappointment. It showed 2 sacs. TWINS. One was a blighted ovum, and the other had a 6wk fetus with a heartbeat.
I am now on bedrest and the bleeding has stopped. It is now light brown spotting. The cramps are still here and I am still told to be cautious, to prepare for "eventualities".
There is no word in english that is the equivalent of the arabic "Alhamdulillah". But the meaning is : "God is truly great- look at what he is able to create." And I am in God's amazing hands. That sums up my feelings at this very moment. For the 1st time in my life.
To every person who has lived through watching someone die slowly before their eyes.
Nobody knows what comes after death. Religions of mankind tell us of paradise, of rebirth, purgatory and of eternal damnation. And perhaps it is the promise of a place.ANY place at all after death- the comfort in knowing that you'll still continue to exist at another level of consciousness. That you are not totally gone.
Different cultures treat death differently. Some funerals in Eastern religions are ceremonious- almost festive, heavily ritualized and symbolic. Some western funerals are subtle, quiet reflections on a life that once was. I've had the opportunity to experience both. Some people say that funerals aren't really for the dead person- they are for the living that were left behind. The deceased do go to the place they were meant to go- on a journey, a life that takes place on the other side. The people who are left behind are the ones who need catharsis, healing and closure.
If psychic mediums are to be believed, a different type of life exists and learning does continue on the other side. Higher learning.
"A city is a congregation of animals whose biological history is enclosed within its boundaries; and yet every conscious and rational act on the part of these creatures helps to shape the city’s eventual character." Claude Lévi-Strauss in Tristes Tropiques. I like to think that I shape cities in my masterplans. They get built and become reality. That's just the megalomaniac I am. Armistad Maupin wrote Tales of The City as if San Francisco could be embodied in the personalities of his whacked out characters.
There are pockets of urban spaces I call home within my city.
An apocalyptic sky over Darling Harbour. Taken on the Western Distributor flyover heading towards the Harbour Bridge.
Clovelly Beach on a Sunday morning. People here are a mix of bohemians and the bourgeoisie. Everyone leaves their things on the concrete and forgets about it for an hour or so while they have a swim'n'bake. When they come back, it's always there. There's a good sense of community here.
Neil Gaiman spun a wonderful urban tale in his one of his Sandman graphic novels, World's End.
In it, a generic unamed city dweller finds himself lost in an unamed generic city. He bumps into a generic old man on a generic street who says this: "Each city is a collection of lives and buildings and it has its own personality. So, if a city has a personality, maybe it also has a soul. Maybe it dreams."
End of intellectual wankery. Back to the intellectual MBA books sans wankery. (i.e: not very much fun at all)
I think therefore I am. I am fearless on the outside. I am a neurotic mess inside. I am a professional. I am restless. I am into my 30s. I am reaching a burnout. I am a sociopath.
I'm about to become a mother again for the 2nd time.
