So here it is.

I'm about to become a mother again for the 2nd time.

After having a child some years ago without any particular trouble, I struggled with miscarriages trying to conceive a 2nd. Then came the IVF. Then came the BFN's* and Chemical Pregnancies*. Nothing doing.

This has literally just dropped into my lap and I'm so grateful.
I've refused to believe it was happening but as Christmas approaches, I may allow my cynical heart, hardened by much heartbreak to believe in a miracle.

*IVF lingo

Peace

So it's all ended again. In a 3D ultrasound, about 1.5 weeks ago, I saw my surviving twin 7 week 2 day baby. Without a heartbeat.

I had no bleeding or cramps after.
I did have a few great big crying sessions.

And after the D&C, I jumped on a plane with my daughter and took off to Malaysia. I am resting away in my maternal grandma's house in East Malaysia. My mother has joined me here too.



Good bye, swank hospital.


I have my beautiful daughter around me and she reminds me that there is hope. I've been hugging her so often in the last few days that she's getting irritated with me!

Hope emerges after tragedy

I went through one miscarriage earlier this year, just after New Year.

I was about 7 weeks along. I thought I would have a breezy pregnancy just like the one I had with my daughter 2 years ago. I took it all for granted. I thought nothing of the brownish blobs that showed up on my underwear along with mucus. I just thought it was "old blood". I had the same kind of spotting when I had my oldest daughter. Apparently spotting happens when the fetus latches onto the uterine lining. I googled it. Oh- Too much information? Tough fucking luck and fuck off. This is the part about pregnancy that they don't put in Johnsons & Johnsons ads.

I found out on Boxing Day, and as my Obstetrician was away, I went to my 1st ultrasound at 6 weeks plus and saw a single fetus with a heartbeat. When my obstetrician came back, I was already around 8 weeks. In his office, we did an ultrasound and saw a dead fetus measuring at about 7 weeks. My heart raced- I was alone. My husband was busy at work. I think I tuned out the world. I left an angry message for my husband, who rushed home, but it was all too late. My D & C was scheduled 1 week later. I carried my long gone baby with me for another week. I felt empty and I cried buckets- None of which I could bring myself to do in front of anyone. This was a baby I really wanted with all my soul.

I was angry at everyone. I blamed. I lashed out.
And........ I recovered.

Now, I am at that point again- about 6 weeks along. Much bleeding and cramps pretty much everyday in the last 2 weeks one occasion in the emergency room, too. I've had 3 ultrasound scans now- the first 2 very pessimistic about the one sac with no fetus. my obstetrician told me a week ago that I would eventually lose it because it looked abnormal. I was required to do blood tests every 2 days- showed normal hormone levels.

I braced myself for a blighted ovum at my 3rd ultrasound. For another disappointment.
It showed 2 sacs. TWINS. One was a blighted ovum, and the other had a 6wk fetus with a heartbeat.

I am now on bedrest and the bleeding has stopped. It is now light brown spotting.
The cramps are still here and I am still told to be cautious, to prepare for "eventualities".

There is no word in english that is the equivalent of the arabic "Alhamdulillah".
But the meaning is : "God is truly great- look at what he is able to create."
And I am in God's amazing hands. That sums up my feelings at this very moment.
For the 1st time in my life.

Cocoa butter is NOT gonna help this woman.

Nadya Suleyman, the Californian woman who was allowed to have multiple implants which resulted in octoplet babies, has set up a website asking for donations to assist her in raising her children.
Have a look: http://www.thenadyasulemanfamily.com/
Leave a comment and tell her what you think. I have.

I'm pretty disgusted by this woman. Every maternal cell in my body hates this woman. I can't explain why. I pity all the kids who all this woman their mother. She has six other kids.
I don't think they're likely to get much time or attention from their mother from now on.
Someone should set up a website to adopt her unwanted litter of kids.
She was a single mother of six (she is divorced from their father) when she sought IVF from a sperm donor for these eight babies. Let's look beyond the macabre circus show and see the real social issues here.


The picture of her belly just before giving birth will tell you that this woman was risking her own life and the life of her eight unborn babies. That's nine lives on the line unnecessarily.

The doctor/hospital that allowed this should have their license taken away. U.S. IVF guidelines don't limit the number of embryos implanted, but for women over 35, it is recommended that there be no more than 2 embryos. What kind of excuse is there for this sort of gross negligence and zero duty of care? The Hospital is Kaiser Permanente's Bellflower Medical Centre. The doctors sealed their own fate by showing their sorry faces on national TV.


I just hope they've got good grandparents. The kind of parents that lots of Malaysian women have. The ones that literally raise your kids for you while you get to have your career and life. Ahmad, R. (1996), UPM, in a study of working Malaysian mothers found that 71% relied on their children's grandparents to be the primary caregiver. I am almost certain that the remainder of that number will consist os maids.

How many kids in the U.S. are born to irresponsible mothers who end up abusing them or worse? Let's hope they make examples out of the doctors who allowed this to happen.

No title as yet, but let's just say it'll gross you out.

I fell in love with my Sass 'n' Bide jeans when I first laid eyes on them at David Jones- I bought two identical ones. BEFORE I HAD MY BABY. Yep. Dumb move, I kept telling myself for the past 5 months. BUT...

I never expected to lose all the weight and then some while breastfeeding a baby for about 5 months. According to the CSIRO, breast feeding demands an extra 3000 kilojoules per day. My baby looks like she's VERY well fed and on the brink of starting on solid foods, too.

So now, I have virtually no arse, stick arms and huge boobs. And the cruel joke is all I can wear are breastfeeding shirts and bras. And my Sass 'n' Bide jeans look like they're gonna fall off because there IS NO ARSE. So there I am in Westfield Bondi Junction, unable to walk because my hands need to be free to push the bugaboo, yet I have to stop every few steps to pull my jeans up.

*Sob*
I'm just resigning myself to buying new "temporary jeans" which I will probably hate.


BEFORE & AFTER

Some days ago, at the risk of looking like a typical asian teenage (I wish! Ha!) fashion victim, I decided to go several shades lighter. Maybe I fell asleep while my hair was being done or something. I'm stuck with this for at least a few weeks. Then I can darken it again.

Breastfeeding my child is something that I'm so proud of doing.
Read about it here at World Health Organization site.
Actress Salma Hayek breastfed a starving African baby boy during a visit in her role as a UN ambassador. The baby's mother's milk had dried up and Salma was weaning her own baby, so she had enough milk left to spare. There were quite a few people out there who found this disgusting, too. People who would rather have the baby boy starve than deal with their own hang-ups/ "delicate sensibilities".
At the end of the day, she gave her milk to the baby who needed it most. What a wonderful, selfless act. I would do the same thing.

It's a GIRL!

Background: We decided that we did not want to know the gender of our baby- we would be happy with anything.

Being around 38weeks and very heavy, feeling like 42weeks overdue, I was checked in for an emergency c-section was the best way to go. The little princess was born in Royal Prince Alfred Hospital, Sydney. At birth, she had a very pink complexion for (the most part) asian parents, very long fingernails and loves to hold her hands together. BF has now been shakily established. Brought home a pump machine with me.

We are all warm and fuzzy now.

His parents are staying with us. My parents will join us later, as there is a big-news important diplomatic event happening in Malaysia this week, so Dad has to be there. 

Bye bye nausea!

It's 3 months now and I feel fantastic.....
I can't wait for my tummy to pop out.

They say this can happen as late as 5 months if your abs are *ahem* very firm.
However, they also say that firmer abs run the risk of getting separated down the middle during later stages of pregnancy.

3 month ultrasound tests showed all's well.

WHEEEEEE!

VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE

This is an idea for what's next

I am not thinking of having a baby to save my marriage. 

Babies happen to people who never even thought of having them. 

I admit that I have never thought of having one until now. 

I have lived 33plus selfish years on this earth. Can/dare/should/would/could/will/etc. I do it?